


Talk Me Down

by CrypticCrowns



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Matsun dies okay, im sorry, its also very ooc, its super sad and doesnt get better, this is really stupid my pals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 12:43:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7758298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrypticCrowns/pseuds/CrypticCrowns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I like suffering and making my favorite characters suffer</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Me Down

Hanamaki Takahiro was never a crier. When his grandmother died when he was seven, he didn’t cry. When his pet ran away when he was ten, he didn’t cry. He didn’t cry with his friends at death scenes in movies. He didn’t cry when Oikawa hurt his knee even worse during practice, but to be fair, only Oikawa and Iwaizumi had any right to be crying there. Even when they lost to Karasuno, when all their dreams were torn apart in front of their faces like nothing mattered, he didn’t cry. He dry sobbed into Mattsun’s shoulder and let the taller clutch onto him as everyone cried, sobbing and letting out anguish cries. He didn’t cry. Makki was almost sure he didn’t know how to, like his body was blocked from crying at all costs. But it wasn’t. He was human, and it was only time before the water gates busted and he sobbed and sobbed.  
Now was that time. It was like he couldn’t stop. The tears ran heavy down his face and dripped from his chin like a leaky faucet. The whole old team was there, no color clinging to them, like everything was washed away with the life that was taken. Twenty-three. He was twenty-three and beautiful, but gone so fast.   
Makki scrubbed effortlessly at his eyes, trying to see past his blurry vision so he could try and talk but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even breathe. It wasn’t fair, this wasn’t fair. Why, god fucking why? Anyone, it could have been anyone, but why did it have to be him? Makki wanted to scream that to the sky, scream until his voice was raw and burned, like Mattsun’s. Mattsun, god…. Twenty-three and gone so fast.  
How did Makki never notice? He was beside him everyday, how didn’t he fucking notice?! How did he not see what was there? That Mattsun was cracking and breaking under the weight of the world? Was Makki really that selfish? So selfish that he never noticed Mattsun start spilling over? So selfish that he didn’t notice how tired Mattsun was? So selfish that he didn’t see it? Mattsun was always there, being the calming hand on Makki’s shoulder, being the comforting voice in the dark, the only one to bring Makki back down to Earth, away from his own heaven gates. But god, why didn’t Makki notice? Why couldn’t he tell that Mattsun, his best friend, his roommate, his sun, moon and stars, the love of his life, was slowly dying too?   
Hajime insisted it wasn’t Makki’s fault. That was the first thing he said to Makki when he arrived at the designated place. ‘It isn’t your fault.’ Tooru was already crying as he collapsed into Makki’s embrace, clutching him and sobbing into his shoulder, murmurs of ‘How did this happen?’ leaving him endlessly. Makki wanted to ask the same thing. Wanted to ask how something so horrid could possibly happen to someone so wonderful. It seemed like no one had that answer though.   
The moment the casket appeared, being carried slowly, Makki started to cry. His knees felt weak, his head felt heavy, his arms felt like jelly and his heart felt like it had been torn out. He would have willingly done it too, ripped his heart out. If anyone had told him that Mattsun would be okay if Makki gave up his heart, he would. He would immediately, without a second thought. Even if it meant Makki would die, he would do it. All to ensure Mattsun was okay and happy. Anything to ensure that Mattsun never saw a dark day in his life.   
The hole was dug before they all arrived, a perfect rectangle, just a little over six feet deep and just a little longer than six feet. Makki hoped there was enough room for him to crawl down there with Mattsun, lay beside him and cry them both into a new existence, one where they could live together forever. One where things like this didn’t happen. It was closed casket, thankfully. Makki didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to see if his neck had fingerprints, or scratch marks from where Mattsun tried to get the burning feeling out of his throat. Makki didn’t want to see him, not like this, never like this.  
“W...when Issei.. When I came home and found Issei, I-” Makki broke off, covering his mouth as he lets out a broken sob, turning away from his friends. It was hard to do this, talk about what happened. It was so easy to tell the paramedics, to tell the police, but that was just luck. That was his body in shock, making him run on autopilot, making his one goal to save Mattsun. But now nothing kept him from this pain. He failed his one goal, failed it beyond belief. “He.. He was surrounded by s-so many bottles and- I didn’t- I don’t think we even had that many p-pills.. He had s-so many things, I don’t- I don’t even know what he used and what he didn’t...” Makki trails off, closing his eyes tightly. The images flash in his mind, like they were on a loop, specifically made to torment him. “H-He reached for me and I- I called the p-paramedics and I held him.. He was so frail and I couldn’t- He was in so much pain.. He… I’ll save you the details of the hospital, but…” Makki trailed off, voice hoarse and raw, it almost mirrored Mattsun’s when he- “He said he loved me…. He- he said he l-loved me-” Makki whimpers, breaking into hard sobs as he turns away, hands pressing onto the casket, knuckles turning white as he balled his fists up, nails biting into his own skin.  
He couldn’t get the image out of his head, Mattsun shaking on the hospital bed, flinching and gasping for air, crying in pain. He never stopped shaking, Makki remembers that a lot. It was like his body was spasming, while he was in a cold sweat, but his forehead was burning up. Makki could almost pretend that Mattsun just had a really bad cold but that’s the biggest lie Makki could even try and believe. Mattsun’s lips were chapped and a blistering red. They were so red, swollen and bleeding, the skin having been seared off towards the inside of his mouth, where the liquid had touched-  
“It was a surprise he could even talk- he drank-” Makki whimpers out, sniffling as he shakes his head. They didn’t need to know, no one had to know what Makki saw and what Mattsun went through. Makki remembers it clearly though, remembers the way Mattsun clawed at his own throat, shaking a tremendous amount before he just stopped, and grabbed onto Makki’s arm. Makki has never seen his brown eyes look so serious. And then Mattsun said it, fingers bruising into Makki’s wrist, he said it. I love you, Hiro’, I love you so much. And Makki kissed him, he knew it’d hurt, he knew it’d sting but he had to. He had to because he loved Mattsun and Mattsun was dying. So he kissed him, kissed him as passionately as he could and he said it back, he murmured his undying love for Mattsun right then and there because Mattsun was dying and Makki’s heart was dying with him.  
The funeral ends not long after that, everyone leaving slowly. They all give him hugs, squeezing him tightly before they leave him there. Hajime and Tooru stay by his side, the three silent as they stare down at the grave. Each pile of dirt falling on the casket makes Makki flinch. “It’s not your fault” Hajime tells him again, hand laying heavy on Makki’s shoulder. He wishes that the weight of Hajime and the world combined could shove him into the dirt, but Hajime was a buoy, keeping Makki afloat. “I know” Makki whispers, voice tired and soft. He didn’t have the will to raise it higher. “You should stay with us, until you can go back home” Tooru offers, voice gentle as he touches Makki’s arm, touch lighter than his words. “I can go home” Makki insists, swallowing the lump in his throat. He doesn’t want to go home because the thought of home brings a small ounce of hope with him. Hope that Mattsun would still be there. Of course, Mattsun would still be there, in memories and in pictures, in clothes and in bed sheets, in pillowcases and in movies, in books and food, but that’s not how Makki wants him.  
“Our door is always open, no matter what” Tooru tells Makki softly, hand staying on his arm to state his point before he pulls his hand back and nods to him softly. Makki nods back and gently clears his throat. “Can.. can you two… go to my apartment and pick up some things for me? I can’t….” Makki trails off and Hajime nods, understanding. He was the same way when his mother died, he understood in his own way. Makki just couldn’t return yet, return to the home that was now cold, couldn’t return to a place where someone so important, someone who helped build it all, was just a memory now. Makki was scared he’d hear Mattsun’s voice when the microwave went off, hear him when the movie credits played too loud, hear his laugh, hear his singing voice. Makki was scared of all of that.  
“We’ll see you tonight?” Tooru asks softly, voice so soft it made Makki want to cry, but he nods instead. “I’ll see you tonight” Makki murmurs, letting the two walk away with his house key as he turns to face the grave.   
“I.. know you’ve always said roses were cheesy, even though you loved receiving them… I didn’t buy you that many, but…. I bought you one white rose.. Because you’re.. You’re an angel now I guess…” Makki murmurs to the grave, letting out a sad sob and an ugly sniffle. “Look… Issei.. I-I really hope… I really hope you know how much I love you” Makki murmurs, gently placing the white rose down on the gave. “Here Lies Matsukawa Issei.. Lover, Friend, and Son…” Makki quotes softly, gently touching the words on the gravestone. “I can’t say goodbye because I don’t.. Don’t wanna really think you’re gone yet but… I’ll see you around, in my dreams and my thoughts” Makki murmurs and wipes away another stream of tears quickly. “I love you”


End file.
